“…whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it.” –Jesus, Matthew 16:25
These words hit me like a ton of bricks one day. While reading them, I knew that Jesus was telling his band of Jewish disciples that by losing the life they knew, they would somehow gain the abundant life he had been promising… I asked myself: for a group of ordinary guys, what would it have meant to give up absolutely everything? What was the most precious thing they could lose while following Jesus? After thinking about this for a long time, I realized the answer was likely more radical than anything I’d ever considered.
Jesus’ disciples were men who had been immersed in their ancient religion since birth… Everything in their lives revolved around Jewish traditions… These were men who could not even fathom the existence of God outside the confines of what their fathers knew, and what their grandfathers knew, and what their great grandfathers knew. These were men for whom Judaism was life itself.
Like the disciples of old, my tradition was once my life. My entire world revolved around one interpretation of the Bible, and one understanding of God, and one denominational tradition, and one understanding of justice, and one perspective of the afterlife. My life was dominated by one understanding of who Jesus was… and one understanding of who he ought to be in this generation. My life had been colored by what my mother believed, and what my grandmother believed, and what my great-great grandparents had believed.
Without fully understanding what was happening to me spiritually, I was suddenly feeling pulled away from the only image of God I had ever known. Like the disciples, I felt that I was being called to a new kind of life… A life in which all things– including my understanding of God– would be have to be renewed. I was being asked to throw away all of my old assumptions… I was being invited into a rebirth. I was being asked to let go of life as I had known it. I was being asked to let go… and I was being invited to truly search for God.
I let go one day. And on the day I let go, my walls came down and the world’s citizens became my brethren. I let go, and the path of discipleship suddenly became about them and not me. I let go, and the words of scripture took on new meaning because they were no longer being filtered by 2000 years of tradition. I let go, and my vision of God’s love became clearer. I let go, and God reached out to me– in ways that continue to exceed my expectations.
Since then, I’ve embraced a new way of following Jesus. It is a path marked with regular intervals of “letting go,” followed by the overwhelming joy of having life abundantly. It has been the most fulfilling experience of my entire life.
Love this! Thanks!
“the world's citizens became my brethren” Love this! Thank you!
Thanks for reading John and Ellen! I'm glad you stopped by.
I liked this, “It is a path marked with regular intervals of 'letting go'…” Yes… I have to let go every day.
-Alan
There is kind of a cycle, isn't there. Let go, mourn a little for what was lost, learn to enjoy the new revelation and understanding of God, then move on to the next area.
Great post, Crystal.
And after all, Jesus talked a lot about the death of self, and isn't that all about letting go? Letting go of one's ego-centric ways should also entail letting go of one's certainty that one's worldview is the only correct one, right?
Thanks for the nice description of your transformation.
so pretty, crystal, i love resurrection & re-birth & all of the beauty & pain that comes with it. i am looking forward to meeting you at OP11 in september, too! thanks for participating in the synchroblog, too, so glad this was part.
@Alan, Jeremy and Kathy: Thanks for commenting! I've wanted to reply prior to now, but Blogger has been on the fritz. I really appreciate your kind words and encouragement.
Alan and Jeremy, a friend of mine once likened the Christian spiritual life to scuba diving… We're called to go deep into the waters of the spirit where there's a lot of pressure and often very little breathing room. And then we come up to enjoy the air of abundant life. We let go in the “pressure” place, and we experience life when we emerge from those experiences. This has always been a very powerful analogy for me.
And Kathy, I'm looking forward to meeting you in September! OP11 will be awesome!
My experience was quite similar. Fundamentalist Christianity defined my family's life for as long as anyone can remember. As a child, it defined mine. The only goal in life was to serve God so that we could have eternal life. There was no wiggle room in how we served God either. All our of religious beliefs came directly from the church leaders. Other options were never considered. For most of us, we were totally ignorant there even was other options. Questioning and doubting those beliefs was considered the be the same as questioning and doubting God and got you a one-way ticket to hell. While we preached love and tolerance, our attitude didn't match. Unbelievers we universally seen as foolish, sinful, and evil. Some of the more extreme members of our church acted as if they were barely human.
Honestly, I just couldn't live like that. Despite my many flaws, it's not in my nature to hate someone solely because they are different than me. I cannot condemn someone to eternal torture merely because he or she does not share my religious beliefs, and I could not believe, let alone worship, a God who did.
In a sense, I did lose my life. I lost the very foundations my life had been built on. Everything had to change. It was probably the hardest thing I have ever done. But it was worth it and I'd do it again in a heartbeat. It was the realization that I don't have to spend every second of my life feverishly attempting to get God to love me, being terrified that, if I fail, He will throw me into an everlasting hell. It was the realization that God is absolute and unconditional love. It is the realization that, by living for others and fighting for the weak and the oppressed, we can show others the love of God.
Hi Sammy. Thanks for sharing your comment. It was really powerful. My experiences with Christianity were the same. It's amazing that so many of us have come to the same conclusions about God after such negative experiences with fundamentalism. For instance, I was also afraid that God would punish me in hell if I stepped out of line. It took a long time to realize 1) that hell is just a theory, 2) God is not a divine tormentor with a wrathful temper, and 3) God is found in the transcendent love that is being experienced all over the world by people of all walks of life.
I'm so sorry that religion turned your world upside-down the way it did, and I'm glad you found the courage to chart a different path. I hope your new journey will continue to lead you to peace.